Window Licker

Saying goodbye to your spouse as they head off on deployment is never easy, but there are some things that make it easier to bear. The most important thing is being in a good place in your marriage. The second most important thing is surrounding yourself with people that you can just be with.

Dave and I have been in a great place for a few years, so that isn’t something I worry about.  The second part was super easy for me in the past since we had spent so much time stationed in Lemoore. The friendships there were just….they had been there for so long, I couldn’t remember a time they weren’t. I very distinctly remember going to my friend Celeste’s house one day, walking in the door, sitting on the couch and we couldn’t have said more than 10 words to each other in the 5 hours I was there. I just needed to be with someone that day and I was so thankful to have the relationship with her that allowed me to just be in her presence with no explanation needed.

But moving to a new city, literally days before Dave left on a DET made that a little more difficult. I will always remember the first time I met the other wives in the squadron: I made a total ass of myself. I didn’t know a single person there and their first impression was me trying to barrel my way through a locked door not realizing it was not, in fact, an entrance. Nice.

I was the only “new” girl at the time and I felt very much like an outsider. This may or may not have been the case because…well…

this scenario pretty much sums up a lot of my life, except I think that about 96 of them are completely in my head.

Feeling outside the circle leads to a myriad of things that if you didn’t start that way, will probably put you there. I would turn down invitations and avoid going places to hang out. And guess what? All that did was make me feel like even more of an outsider.

So a couple months ago my therapist and I were discussing this issue and she asked me what I was doing to be included. What? Me? Dang it! I hate when she makes me take responsibility! So we decided that I was not going to turn down any invitations. I was just going to say YES to every event I was invited to. The first time was really, really tough. My first response was to say “I’m already in my jammies” but I didn’t. I said sure.  That day kinda started a new trend in my life. I just say yes, but I do allow myself one opportunity a week to just say no and have a day to recoup. 

It has become a little bit of a tradition for some of us wives to hang out in the evenings together. Usually it’s a little like a pick up game—come if you can and if you can’t, we will catch you next time. This past weekend, there were a few parents in attendance of Sunday dinner. A conversation started about how amazing our group was and it got me thinking: just how much of that feeling like an outsider crap was completely in my head all along?

I certainly don’t feel like an outsider anymore: I feel like one of the gang. On Memorial Day, I received a FRANTIC text from my oldest saying that he needed me to bring him deodorant…that’s right…the day before his 19th birthday and he forgot deodorant. Unfortunately, I was pulling into First Landing State Park for a beach day. If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you probably know that I have a very difficult time reaching out and asking for help. I did though. I reached out to my friend Jen (same as last week) and asked her if she could please, please, please deliver some deodorant to McKinley at work. How awesome of a friend is that?

I guess the point I want to make is this: as soon as I stopped acting like an outsider, I stopped being one.  And I don’t mean after some time, I felt like one of the gang, I IMMEDIATELY felt like I fit in. Probably because I did. Looking back, I don’t think anyone saw me as an outsider but me. If I had just stuffed down all that insecurity I had, things would have been much easier for me.

So my advice for everyone feeling like an outsider is to put yourself out there!  Get involved! Say YES when you are invited to do something! Put yourself out there! Make some amazing friends! Find someone else who feels like an outsider and become insiders together! You won't regret it!

The View From the Top

I can’t really remember the last time I could say I had a good week, much less an awesome month. This isn’t me being figurative. I seriously cannot remember the last time I had more than 2 or 3 good days in a row.

A few years ago, Dave and I spent some time exploring Japan together. We spent a day on Miyajima, ending our day at the top of Mount Misen. The pictures at the top of this mountain are some of my favorite of any trip we have ever taken. The hike wasn’t easy for me. There were so many times we thought we had almost reached the top of the peak, only to realize it was yet another valley. At one point, Dave found tears of frustration streaming down face and reassured me that we didn’t have to go to the top: we could simply turn around. But I had to do it. I had to make it to the top. I desperately needed to see the view. I needed to know the struggle was worth it.

The last six months or so have very much replicated the day we climbed the Mount Misen. Every time I started to feel like my depression was under control, my panic disorder return with a vengeance. And once I dealt with that, I felt my Asperger’s would kick into overdrive, and, and, and.  I often found myself wondering if it was ever going to be worth it. If I would ever defeat these demons I fight inside my own mind.  Would I ever make it to that happy place again? Would I ever get to stand at the top of the mountain and really see how far I’ve come?

Well, today, I am standing on top of the mountain. I had a med-check with Sam today and realized that we have this under control. I say ‘we’ because I couldn’t do this alone. There is not one single thing that has brought me back into the land of the living. Instead, I had to find the right combination of therapies to pull it all together.

So, did I celebrate? You bet your ass I did! I came home and decided I was finally ready to face these----->>

Yep, those are Christmas cards. Six months ago, I was in no shape to hear all about how wonderful everyone was doing. I just couldn’t face them (read more about that HERE), but today I was finally ready to share in all the joy and happiness of my friends and family.

I am so glad I waited until today to do this. It just seemed right. As I opened each card, I took a moment to think about why the person who sent it was special to me. With each card I opened, filled my heart with a little more love and by the end, I was in tears. Not tears of sadness or frustration, but tears of pure joy.

I am joyful today because I feel like I have made it. I am finally in a good place. I even went as far as to invite myself to a friend’s house this morning after my med-check. That’s something I haven’t felt comfortable enough to do since I left Virginia and I am extremely thankful to Jenn for pointing it out to me (even if she didn't offer me a glass of wine)!

My favorite card today wasn’t a Christmas card, but one that another Jenn had picked up for me. The front reads, “Hang in there—sometimes the prettiest flowers grow in the biggest pile of manure.” And inside, “Hoping better days are on the way.”  Part of me kinda wishes I had opened that one sooner, but then again, I was so deep in that dark valley I don’t know that I would have appreciated it’s meaning. I think I had to spend some time in that darkness so I could truly appreciate the amazing view from where I am now.

Sometimes I Just Need a Little Perspective

I’m going to stick with my original thought: Deployment sucks. But when I’m having one of those days when I just want to feel sorry for myself, I am reminded that I just need a little perspective.

Earlier this month, I drove down to South Carolina for my brother in law’s wedding. We knew that Dave was going to miss the wedding since the day we were invited (I’m still convinced it was revenge for our getting married while he was in boot camp) and I had been preparing to attend without him for months.  My children both backed out of going with me, so I was there solo to represent my little Doyle clan. Everything was going well at the rehearsal dinner until Chris (the middle brother) walked in and hugged Gary. I instantly felt a lump in my throat and my eyes tearing up. There would be no drinking until 4 am and last minute decisions to go sky diving for this brother. Dave was missing it and yeah, deployment sucks.

The following weekend was Mother’s Day, and I spent it with some other wives from the squadron like I usually do. We are quite the eclectic group: some with kids, some without and two that are expecting their first babies later this year. While they were talking about genetic testing, their doctor and where they were delivering, I felt that lump in my throat and stinging in my eyes again. More than likely, those Daddies are going to miss their little ones entrance into the world. So, yeah, the birth of your first child trumps your brother getting married. Those guys are winning the game. Their deployment sucks worse than mine.

Earlier today, I got this text from my son:

                   

I said a silent little prayer and asked him if he caught it. I did not get the answer I wanted. My next thought was: well, do we burn it down or just move? The obvious answer is that we are going to have to burn down the house and start from scratch to make sure that little bastard doesn’t try to move with us. Yeah, a giant lizard in my house equals deployment sucks in my book. 

About half an hour later, I stopped by a friend’s house to deliver an order and she looked a little frantic. Turns out, the dogs had gotten out. Once they (that’s right, I didn’t help, don’t judge me) got the dogs back home, we retreated inside and began to chat. As we watched the kids playing, well maybe not playing so much as tormenting each other, I began to tell her this horrific lizard story and show her the picture. She looked a little confused and I was like “What? There’s a lizard in my house. Isn’t that awful?” She took a sip of wine, looked me square in the face and said “Tonyia, I was walking around in SHIT up to my ankles last week. Not figurative shit. Literal shit from the toilet flooded my house. So no, your lizard isn’t awful.” Guess what? Today, Janine wins the game. Her deployment sucks worse than mine.  

This deployment has been rough for both Dave and I and nothing really points that out like sending birthday wishes to the ship. We have both struggled to find our footing and to get into a routine the last couple months. I was really feeling a little sorry for myself this morning when I got a phone call from a friend. I assumed she was calling to ask me about the mug I was personalizing for her, but I was wrong. So very wrong. She was calling to let me know that the TR had lost a jet, it was a two seater (not one of ours) and both pilots were found unharmed.  Guess what? At that moment, I realized this deployment hasn’t been that bad. I feel like THOSE guys (or gals) are having a shitty deployment. Those two: they are 100% having the worst deployment. Those families? They get to spend some time bitching about how much deployment sucks. But in reality, those families aren’t complaining and neither are the pilots.

Today we, as a Navy family are counting our blessings. Today I realized that this deployment doesn’t suck as much as others. Today, I remember pilots who were not found unharmed following an incident. When I think of the sailors who missed a loved one’s last breath, missing the first breath doesn’t seem so terrible anymore.

Navy Life for the Introverted Wife

Navy Life for the Introverted Wife

I very distinctly remember the first time I shared that I was an introvert. My very good friend Jon said “Oh my goodness….you should take the test again because it’s obviously wrong, you are so outgoing and you reach so many people.” I tried to explain to him that yes, I am in fact able (through the only trait more powerful than being an introvert: being a people pleaser) to engage others, express my profound love for Jesus and share why being part of a church family is important, but it is more exhausting for me than giving birth. If my vacation involves reaching out to people, I am going to need a real vacation when the fake vacation is over. Confused?  I bet you are.  

Introverts are quite capable of turning it on when we need to, but don’t experience the same euphoria from social interaction that extroverts do.  I spent this past Saturday at a wedding, mingling with people (85% of which I did not know) and I was more exhausted the following day than the caterer, the groom or the bride. 

Often, we (introverts) get a bad rap for keeping to ourselves or being antisocial, but that isn’t the case at all. We want to hang out with you. We want to want your friend. We want to want to come to your house at a moments’ notice, but we just don’t have the same capabilities as you and your extravert friends. As a Navy wife, I find myself in a new group of people every 2-3 years, and it can be quite exhausting for people to realize the quirks and eccentricities I have are quite endearing, so let’s cut to the chase.

1. It is physically impossible for me to ask for help.

I just can NOT ask for help. Period. End of story. No questions asked. A few years ago, a visiting family member was unexpectedly admitted to the hospital. Within an hour, I received a phone call from a church leader, asking if they could bring meals, watch my kids, etc. Ummmmm. No. The person admitted to the hospital wasn’t making dinner for us, so I really didn’t need help. If for some reason, I was unable to throw 2 cups of water and a pack of ramen into a pot and cook dinner for my kids—well that was seriously going to be the least of my issues. I appreciate your offer for help, but I would rather my children eat Ramen Noodles every day for a week than accept help. EVER.

I quite frequently organize meals for people having a baby or surgery, but in my mind I think: you have known for NINE months this was going to happen….couldn’t you have thrown some lasagna in the freezer last week? I certainly would have. And don’t get me wrong: I BRING food to these ladies every time there is a need. I would just never ask for the assistance. Think of it as me saving you time. You’re welcome.

2. It’s not that I don’t like your friends. I don’t know them and I don’t know the difference.

A couple weeks ago I got a text from a friend asking if I would come over and show ‘us’ how Jamberry Nail Wraps works. My first response was “Who’s we?” I absolutely love my friend, whom I have known for years, but the thought of other people (people I didn’t know well) made me want to curl up, love on some Chuck Bass, drink a glass of wine and go to sleep. In my mind I wondered if  ‘we’ included someone who would judge me for not showering that day or if it was someone who didn’t readily understand my quirks. Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW how to socialize with people beyond my circle, but I just chose not to. I like you (not all of you), but I can take or leave your friends. But since I like you, the last thing I want is to leave you explaining to people who don’t know me why I left so abruptly. I’m working on it.

3. I am sorry that listening to you breath is not my love language.

Mostly because we are never, ever going to connect. I am not going to call you without a specific reason. When [if] I call, you can bet your ass there is a specific purpose.

A few months ago, I called my cousin and he answered with “What’s wrong? Is Uncle Buck dead?” Well, no, JACKASS, my dad isn’t dead…why would you think that? Oh, because it’s the first time I have called you in 15 years since my son was born? Well, maybe that was the last time I had something important to say to you.   

Sometimes, I just don’t answer the phone….for DAYS. My brother (whom I love dearly) will sometimes call for a week before I feel like I have the energy to talk to him. It isn’t that I don’t like him, love him or want to talk to him: I just can’t.  Mostly because he really doesn’t have anything to talk about. I mean, prison is pretty much the same thing every day, day in, day out, over and over & I have heard it all before. Don’t get me wrong, if he calls three times in half an hour, I know he probably has some juice on one (or BOTH) of our parents and I always answer that call. It has meaning: to talk shit about our mutual lifelong enemy (I’m kidding Mom and Dad). Anything else is really a deal breaker for me. He’s learned to adapt. And I’m not really sorry; I think it is weird that you would call me with absolutely nothing to say.

4. I don’t give a crap if we are friends.

I have made it clear that I don’t really mingle well with those I don’t know, so it would stand to reason that I don’t put many people in the ‘friend’ category. When I think of friends, I think of people whose parents’ funerals I would take time (and money) from my life to attend. If I’m being honest (which my Aspergers forces me to be) I can say there aren’t really many of those. In each situation where someone has become my friend, one of two things happened:

1.     Our husbands served in the Navy together and therefor we spent a lot of time together during deployments. And by a lot of time, I mean I saw you 5-6 days a week. I didn’t necessarily like you at first, but you were always there and wore me down until I realized you were pretty cool. You probably know enough about me to write a tell-all, best seller and I am pretty excited that you have chosen to remain loyal. Good for you; I like a person with integrity.

2.     We met when I was a child and no matter how many times I moved, you continued to track me down. I don’t know how we kept in touch prior to Facebook, but I admire your persistence and dedication. Your diligence will be rewarded and we will continue to be friends until one of us dies.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not opposed to the idea of new friends, I just really don’t care one way or the other.

5. I don’t know how to have a conversation.

Through the help of my therapist (I love you Chavette), I realize that I am constantly interrupting the people I talk to. Please don’t take offense. I understand that you are important, as are your ideas, but when I feel a connection with someone, I NEED you to listen to the things I have to say. All the things. This instant. It is physically impossible for me to let you complete your thought because I am so enthralled with the idea of connecting to another human that I need to get all of my ideas on the table before you realize I’m crazy and vanish. I know that ‘introvert who feels affection’ can easily be interpreted ‘self centered bitch’ but I need you to just move past that. Take it as a complement that you intrigue me and move on.

6. Don’t make me make excuses.

If I tell you that I can’t come to dinner, go to the movies or hang out with you, please accept my decision. You can’t guilt me into being with you. I have told both my parents, my in-laws and my best friend that they can’t come visit me. I have a million excuses lined up ready to give you: I have a migraine, I don’t feel well, my depression is out of control, I need some me time, I’m spending time with the kids or I am having a bad day and NO ONE wants to be in my company. Please don’t make me give you those excuses. Just accept my “no thank you” and let’s be done with it.

You probably fit into one of two categories of people:

• Holy crap, it’s like that chick sees directly into my soul. She knows me and we should be friends. (YOU are the reason I have a security system).
• Holy crap, that chick is JUST like my sister (brother, mom, dad, friend, associate, etc) and now it all makes sense.

Either way, I promise that you know someone like me and I probably seem very different than you. That’s okay. We don’t have to all be the same. You people who thrive on talking to…people…well, you give me the heebie jeebies. I am a little jealous of you, though. Okay, I am a lot jealous of you and your ability to go to work all day, volunteer at night, go home and make dinner for your family and still have energy to call your grandma before bed. I wish I was like you, but I’m not and those who love me have just learned to accept it.