Saying goodbye to your spouse as they head off on deployment
is never easy, but there are some things that make it easier to bear. The most
important thing is being in a good place in your marriage. The second most
important thing is surrounding yourself with people that you can just be with.
Dave and I have been in a great place for a few years, so
that isn’t something I worry about. The
second part was super easy for me in the past since we had spent so much time
stationed in Lemoore. The friendships there were just….they had been there for
so long, I couldn’t remember a time they weren’t. I very distinctly remember
going to my friend Celeste’s house one day, walking in the door, sitting on the
couch and we couldn’t have said more than 10 words to each other in the 5 hours
I was there. I just needed to be with someone that day and I was so thankful to
have the relationship with her that allowed me to just be in her presence with
no explanation needed.
But moving to a new city, literally days before Dave left on
a DET made that a little more difficult. I will always remember the first time
I met the other wives in the squadron: I made a total ass of myself. I didn’t
know a single person there and their first impression was me trying to barrel
my way through a locked door not realizing it was not, in fact, an entrance.
Nice.
I was the only “new” girl at the time and I felt very much
like an outsider. This may or may not have been the case because…well…
this scenario pretty much sums up a lot of my life, except I
think that about 96 of them are completely in my head.
Feeling outside the circle leads to a myriad of things that
if you didn’t start that way, will probably put you there. I would turn down
invitations and avoid going places to hang out. And guess what? All that did
was make me feel like even more of an outsider.
So a couple months ago my therapist and I were discussing
this issue and she asked me what I was doing to be included. What? Me? Dang it!
I hate when she makes me take responsibility! So we decided that I was not
going to turn down any invitations. I was just going to say YES to every event
I was invited to. The first time was really, really tough. My first response
was to say “I’m already in my jammies” but I didn’t. I said sure. That day kinda started a new trend in my
life. I just say yes, but I do allow myself one opportunity a week to just say
no and have a day to recoup.
It has become a little bit of a tradition for some of us wives
to hang out in the evenings together. Usually it’s a little like a pick up
game—come if you can and if you can’t, we will catch you next time. This past
weekend, there were a few parents in attendance of Sunday dinner. A
conversation started about how amazing our group was and it got me thinking:
just how much of that feeling like an outsider crap was completely in my head
all along?
I certainly don’t feel like an outsider anymore: I feel like
one of the gang. On Memorial Day, I received a FRANTIC text from my oldest
saying that he needed me to bring him deodorant…that’s right…the day before his
19th birthday and he forgot deodorant. Unfortunately, I was pulling into First
Landing State Park for a beach day. If you’ve followed my blog for any length of
time, you probably know that I have a very difficult time reaching out and
asking for help. I did though. I reached out to my friend Jen (same as last
week) and asked her if she could please, please, please deliver some deodorant
to McKinley at work. How awesome of a friend is that?
I guess the point I want to make is this: as soon as I
stopped acting like an outsider, I stopped being one. And I don’t mean after some time, I felt like
one of the gang, I IMMEDIATELY felt like I fit in. Probably because I did.
Looking back, I don’t think anyone saw me as an outsider but me. If I had just
stuffed down all that insecurity I had, things would have been much easier for
me.
So my advice for everyone feeling like an outsider is to put
yourself out there! Get involved! Say
YES when you are invited to do something! Put yourself out there! Make some
amazing friends! Find someone else who feels like an outsider and become
insiders together! You won't regret it!
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