You Are The Angriest Person I Know!

I have a confession to make: I haven’t opened a single Christmas card we received this year.  I plan to open them eventually, but I just can’t right now: it will only remind me of my shortcomings as a wife, mother and friend.

I didn’t send out Christmas cards this year. Instead of seeing Christmas cards as a way to reconnect with friends and family near and far, I saw it as an overwhelming task, much greater than I was capable of completing. What if I forgot someone? What if I didn’t order enough? What if I didn’t like the cards after I ordered them? What if I wrote the address wrong?  And in the end, my anxiety got the best of me and no cards were sent.

I have spent months in denial of my depression. It was easy to deny it, because just like a drug addict: I had become a master of disguise. I spent months pretending like everything was okay, making deals with God…timelines. If He could just get me to ‘this’ point, everything would be okay.  I was able to function for a while: preparing meals, keeping myself busy and continuing to be an excellent wife and mother. Okay, maybe not ‘excellent’ but I was getting it done.

And then, just before Thanksgiving, something changed. I knew it had changed, but I continued to deny. If you aren’t familiar with depression, let me familiarize you through my eyes.

Concentration Problems: People with depression have trouble focusing, making decisions or remembering things. If you know me, you know that I menu plan. I plan 6 days of menus, shop for those ingredients and stick to them. I simply could not make a menu. I couldn’t think of what I used to cook for my family on a daily basis. Seriously. I could not do it.

Sleep Changes: People with depression can have either insomnia or hypersomnia (oversleeping). Most days, I am up by 5:15 getting Dave’s breakfast made, lunch packed and seeing him off to work. About the time Dave leaves  I get Patton up for school and continue with my day. Unfortunately, I suffered from insomnia. I would be exhausted by 8:30, head up to bed and be unable to sleep. So, I would pull out my Kindle to read or my iPhone to watch Netflix. Either way, I would normally be awake until midnight or later. After a few days of this, I would crash and go back to sleep once Patton got on the bus and sleep until well after noon. I would lie to my family and say I had a headache, because the alternative was admitting my depression and I wasn’t able to do that yet.

Guilt: People with severe depression may feel helpless, view their depression as a weakness and be very self-critical.  Yes, yes, YES! Everything in this house that went wrong, was a direct reflection of me. Patton isn’t doing well in school: I should have been more on top of his grades, pushed him harder, and monitored him more closely. No Christmas cards? Totally my fault.  Messy house? Yep, couldn’t make myself do anything to fix it. And of course I saw my depression as a weakness—that’s why I left it untreated for so long.

Loss of interest in daily activities. People with depression have little or no interest in former hobbies, social activities or sex. They lose their ability to feel joy and pleasure. This is the one that affected me the most. Looking back I see so many times that should have tipped me off. I love going to the gym. In my mind, I knew that the endorphins released from a great work out would have made me feel better, but every time a friend invited me to TRX, I had an excuse why I couldn’t go. Eventually she stopped asking.

With Dave’s job, there are social activities that we are expected to attend, and I did. I put on a happy face and drank, laughed and seemed to have a good time. But it was so exhausting. I would sleep for hours and hours after an event because it was so exhausting to me. Or maybe I was hung-over, because drinking excessively (another sign of the big D) was another way to cope with being there.

Loss of energy. People with depression feel fatigued, sluggish and physically drained. Even small tasks are exhausting and take much longer to complete. Here’s the part where everything starts running together. I have no energy and getting dressed seems like an accomplishment most days, so the idea of a Christmas party or social event. UGH. I have trouble concentrating and no energy so cooking and cleaning were nearly impossible. I remember taking some clothes out of the dryer and realizing that I felt like I was moving in slow motion. It seemed like folding those towels was never going to end. 

Anger or irritability. People with depression often feel agitated or restless. Their tolerance is low, tempers are short and everything (and everyone) gets on your very last nerve. Not only was I hypercritical of myself, but those around me as well. This was a big one for me and I am having trouble narrowing them down to pick one to talk about.

But there were two defining moments for me.  The first came from my oldest, McKinley. I don’t really remember what the circumstance was but he said “Gosh Mom, you are the angriest person I know!” Ouch. That hurt. After that, I spoke to Dave about what McKinley had said wondered aloud if maybe I should go back on my medication. He responded with: “I don’t think that’s true, babe”. Apparently denial runs deep in our family. The final straw occurred in my Safe Haven since moving here: the Wood Shop. Dave and I had spent days working on a project and there was a problem with a cut. I was feeling like nothing I did was good enough, like Dave questioned everything I said and all of my ideas were cast aside. Things got a little out of hand. Have you ever seen the show “Scandal”? Ya know those parts when Millie goes absolutely crazy psycho yelling at Fitz? Well that’s what I did. We didn’t speak for an entire day following that.

This last part is going to be tough for my editor to read.

Suicidal thoughts. People suffering from depression may have thoughts of harming themselves. For me, it wasn’t about getting Dave’s gun and shooting myself or running my car into a tree. It was more like…what would happen if I took a Percocet and an Oxycodone? What if I added a few shots of vodka with it? How about an Ambien too? That was the day I decided to get help.

It took a lot for me to decide to go on medication for my depression and anxiety. I was ashamed that I couldn’t fix it myself. I kept hoping and praying that I would just get better. But eventually I realized that probably wasn’t going to happen. Things are getting better, but I am still not myself just yet. I laugh more than I did a month ago. I cry less and I sleep just about normally.

But I still can’t open your Christmas cards. I’m not ready yet. Between missing my ELC family and my California Family and my actual family, I think seeing all of your smiling faces…well, it would be more than I could take.

So that’s all I have for today. Here are a few of our family pictures. I am so glad we took them. Even if they didn't make it on a Christmas card and even if they are a little bit of a lie. 

But what isn’t a lie is that I love these men more than life itself and I so happy I made the decision to seek help so that I could be a better wife, mother and friend. 

There’s one more thing I can't stop thinking about. We did take Christmas pictures—even though I knew cards wouldn’t be going out. We look happy in them. Like really happy, right?  I wonder who else out there smiled and pretended to be happy in their picture so no one would know their secret? If that’s you…please get some help. It isn’t your fault. You aren’t alone.