Mornings have become my new
least favorite part of the day. Specifically from 5:55-6:35. This is the time
of day I spend arguing with Patton (my almost 15 year old) about why he has to
go to school. I explain how there is a difference between not feeling well and
being sick. I tell him how I understand that he may not feel well, but he
really has to go to school. I try to help him understand how difficult it is to
catch up once you get behind in high school.
This morning took the cake. After I woke him up, I sent in
reinforcements to make sure he was up. This is when the “I don’t feel wells”
began. Dad told him to get up, get in the shower and then see how he felt. Ten
minutes later, I went up and found him in bed. Lights out, covers up, IN BED. I am pretty sure he was faking laryngitis and
he even started crying. I try not to yell at the kids: today I failed. And in
the middle of it, I got a “Oh my gosh, SHUT UP” from McKinley’s room.
In the end I got him up,
drove him down to the bus (which he first refused), and sent him to school.
I’m praying he isn’t really
sick, but maybe feeling a bit like I am.
Homesick. Missing my friends
in Oakleaf. Longing for social interaction that doesn’t somehow revolve around
my husbands job. And by the way: moving sucks.
Being unhappy is exhausting,
but what is more exhausting is pretending
to be just fine. Why do I pretend? A number of reasons: firstly, I don’t
want my husband to feel bad. As a career Naval Officer, he doesn’t really get
too much of a say about where we go. He has struggles of his own in his new job
and I don’t want to make things any more difficult on him than they need to be.
Secondly, I need to be strong
for my kiddos. On Sunday, Patton asked when he could visit Jax. That’s right,
my 14 year old thinks he is entitled to fly back to Florida to visit his
friends. Well, that’s not going to happen. Number one, we don’t have the money
and number two we feel visiting Florida and remembering how happy he was there
will start the adjusting process all over again.
And the main reason is that I try really, really hard to do the whole "fake it til you make it" thing. I seem do be doing a pretty good job of faking it because until this moment, you probably thought I was doing great here in Virginia Beach.
So, this morning, after
Patton left for school, I sat and cried. My heart is breaking for him and his
struggles at his new school. My heart breaks for me, trying to find my place
here. I’m upset for Dave because at some level, he has to feel responsible for
both mine and Patton’s heartache. McKinley seems to have settled in quite well here. That pretty much makes me hate him. Thinking about charging him rent as some sort of happiness punishment.
The truth of the matter is
that I get it. I get that he doesn’t want to go to school. He doesn’t have any
friends. I read an article once that said friends were the most important
aspect of school for being well balanced. I would even venture to say that
having friends is an important part of life in general. I went to an event with
him last week for drama and even most of the moms weren’t interested in talking
to the new girl on the block. I actually had to excuse myself to the car
because I felt myself tearing up. Many thanks to the one mom, Barbara, who
welcomed Dave and I (but to be honest, she seemed like a bit of an outcast from
the rest of the group—she was probably excited that she could have a friend
now).
I have spent the last couple
hours crying for my baby’s broken heart (and maybe a little for my own). After
I post this, the crying is going to have to stop. It’s time to put on my big
girl panties, accept the hand I’ve been dealt and play it the best I can.
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