Maybe Next Time

Sometimes when I tell people I have panic disorder, they respond with “Oh I have anxiety too.” Panic disorder is very different from the fear and reactions most people have to stressful events. Having an anxiety attack during a stressful situation is pretty normal, I’ve been doing that for years.

These panic attacks are something completely new to me. The sneak up on me and sometimes I can’t even figure out why it’s happening. A couple weeks ago I woke up and immediately felt what has become an all too familiar heaviness in my chest. The first thing I did was look at my “to do” list for the day to see what I have going on: gym, laundry, vacuum, and the Military Spouse Appreciation dinner. 

In hopes to avoid a panic attack, I needed to find the trigger. I always start with the things on my list that are not normally part of my routine and tell myself I can skip that activity.  As soon as the thought of skipping the dinner popped into my head, I felt the weight lifting from my chest and after a few minutes it was nearly gone.

The goal with my anxiety is always to push through it. So, I started to go over all the reasons I should go: I promised a friend, I would feel better if I got out, who doesn’t want to be appreciated? And just like that, it was back. Except this time my pulse was racing and I was sweating a little on my temples. Once again, I decided not to go and my symptoms immediately began to disappear.

I text my girlfriend to let her know that my anxiety was out of control and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to make it to the dinner. Then I vowed to keep her posted.

By lunch time I was feeling great, hopped in the shower, put on a little make up and thought “I could totally go to that dinner tonight.” To which my body promptly responded with a heart racing, sweating like I had actually gone to the gym, maybe I really am having a heart attack, full-blown panic attack. Over a DINNER. For FREE. With a FRIEND. Where we would be appreciated.

That day, I lost the battle with my anxiety. After my panic attack, I took another shower (I mean I was SWEATING), put on my PJs, told myself I would do better next time and spent the rest of the day watching Netflix.

Sometimes that’s just how it goes. I didn’t grow up in a world where I always got to win and everyone got a trophy. I couldn’t always be the best, but I could do my best. That’s what I did that day: my personal best. Maybe next time my best will be better and I'll be able to push past the irrational fear. Maybe not, but maybe.